Drowning

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I’m so desperately depressed today, and it shows. Today’s message really, really knows.

Bombs are dropping in every literal sense with taunts that are inviting return fire, and I’m just a hamster caught in the wheel of sameness. It’s Monday, and I’ve felt trapped since before I woke up. My first thought was it’s another Monday, and my brain already started to plan a work week with no reward at the end of it.

I’ve been begging for a vacation for well over a year, and there’s nothing in sight. Nothing. All I heard was “if we wait until next year,” though it was with best intentions because my hopes were too high based on the fact that there’s been no break of any sort for four years, so I figure we have to have something to tide us over for another four. I’ve been researching and researching and doing so without any help, but there’s too much, so we’re not going anywhere but in this hamster wheel.

I’ve hit this devastation point many, many times in more than a year, and the world is going to be blown up while I’m still on this wheel of going to work to pay off debt that will never go anywhere and everyone else’s events – which are great events – only make me more resentful for having to go back to physical places I hate and spend the energy on dealing with people, no matter how much I love them.

What am I willing to give up to get? Right now, so many of those pie-in-the-sky hopes just to get out of here for a good long vacation. Then I feel like we can try again. Or I’d go away and just never, ever come back because I’m so resentful that I hate everything about this place, from the country all the way down to my 10 x 10 office with a view of the trash bins.

At least there’s a job and a view, right? Believe me, it doesn’t help that “at least I have [such and such].” I’ve been playing that card as the instant response every time I swing back into this utterly sad place. I’m allowed to want more. A REAL break without feeling guilty because I work so hard and just bear it.

I really can’t tell you how dead on today’s message is to me.

-Dr. Pyrate

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